Probability

O’zbekchada o’qish uchun pastroqga tushing.

5:00 am

She woke up…found her phone on her side and looked at the time… too early to get up on a Sunday morning… closed her eyes…

6:30 am

This time she didn’t only check the time, also logged on other apps such as Twitter, Facebook and found nothing interesting there… recalled yesterday evening… the play was amazing… didn’t know that it was possible to experience such  experience here… the play was called Airport showing every single issue  of the airport of the country in a sarcastic way… unorganized queues…the people who aren’t even able to fill in customs declaration forms… impolite ,oh no, rude officials… requests of certificate of certificates… yes, you read it correctly… there should be another certificate proving  that a certain certificate is actually a certificate… flow of questions… Where are you going…? Why are you going…? What are you going to do there…? How.. Wh.. Wh…

On the other hand, the people who are leaving assuming that they are running away from their problems without realizing that the problem is in them…yes, it sometimes seems hard to admit, and yes, it hard to live… it is difficult to make a living… moreover, if your knowledge is not acknowledged… if your ethnicity or nationality different than local, that is another story too… blaming the system, the country, the people, the society is the easiest way of reasoning a situation, and running away appears as an only way of solution… but in reality, is it? Does it solve your issue? Is it really good out there, abroad? Are you welcomed in your future destination? Probably yes… probably not… So you decide to stay or not…

Although, every single minute of the play reminded her herself, her current thoughts, current situation… her mind was busy with totally other thoughts… what if yesterday she behaved differently. For instance,  in a  way A… then she imagined what would have happened… or what if in way a B or C… would everything be differently…probably yes… probably not… but it was her, just sincere her… probably it is not good idea to show your sincerity to everyone…

10:30 am

She did not do anything except having a cup of tea in the morning. Even though, she has 4 pages of document to translate or her studies or house works or at least she could continue reading the book she was reading The museum of innocence by Orhan Pamuk.  She tried to concentrate… tried to start the translation, but it did not work… opened the book, read a paragraph, however, even after reading it four or five times she was not able to catch the idea of it…

Does she know what she wants? Probably yes… probably not…

Tonggi 05:00

U ko’zlarini ochdi… telefonini qo’liga olib, soatiga qaradi… yakshanba kunida turish uchun hali juda erta… ko’zlarini qayta yumdi…

06:30

Bu safar u nafaqat vaqtga qaradi, balkim Twitter, Facebookni ham tekshirib ko’rdi, qiziqarli hechnima topa olmadi… o’tgan kechani esladi… spektakl ajoyib edi… avvallari bu yerda ham bunaqangi saviyadagi spektaklni ko’rish mumkin deya o’ylamasdi u… spektakl Aeroport deb nomlangandi, unda mamlakat bosh aeroportida duch kelish mumkin bo’lgan jami masalalar sarkazm orqali yoritilgandek edi go’yo… tartibsiz navbatlar… bojxona deklaratsiyasini ham to’ldira olmaydigan yo’lovchilar… qo’pol xodimlar… “spravka haqida spravka” so’rashlari… oldinma ketin so’raladigan savollar yomg’iri… qayerga ketayapsiz… nimaga ketayapsiz… nima qilmoqchisiz u yerda… qanday… kim…nega..qachon…

Bir tomondan esa odamlar  muammolardan qochib ketishmoqchidek go’yo, bilishmaydiki muammo o’zlarida… ha ba’zan tan olish o’g’ir buni, ha, yashash ham oson emas… bundan tashqari, seni bilimingni, salohiyatingni qardlashmasachi, yoki sening millating, fuqaroligining boshqacha bo’lsa bu yana bir boshqa masala… tizim aybdormi… davlatmi… odamlarmi… jamiyatmi… boshqalarga aybni yuklash eng osoni… qochib qolish yagona yo’ldek ko’rinadi go’yo… ammo aslida ham shundaymi? Ketish muammoni hal etadimi? Rostdan ham u yerlarda hammasi yaxshimi? Quchoq ochib kutib olishadimi Sizni? Ehtimol ha… ehtimol yo’q… Qaror qilish Sizdan… qolmoq yo ketmoq…

Spektaklning har soniyasida o’zini aksini ko’rgan bo’lsada, uni xayollari batamom boshqa o’ylar bilan band edi. Agar kecha u o’zini boshqacha tutganda balki bari boshqacha bo’larmidi, masalan A kabi, keyin hammasi qanaqa kechishi mumkinligini tasavvur qilib ko’rdi yoki B, yoki C kabi tutganda hammasi tamoman boshqacha bo’larmidi… ehtimol ha… ehtimol yo’q… lekin uning bori shu… u shunaqa samimiy… balki samimiyligingni hammaga ham ko’rsatish ma’qul ish emas aslida…

10:30

Tongda bir finjon qahva ichganidan boshqa tayinli hechnima qilgani yo’q. To’rt betlik tarjimasi, yoki darslari yoki uy ishlarini qilishi mumkin edi. Yoki shu kunlarda o’qiyotgani Orhan Pamukning Ma’sumlik muzeyi kitobini davom ettirishi mumkin edi. Diqqatini jamlashga harakat qilib ko’rdi… bo’lmadi…tarjimani ham boshlay olmadi… kitobni ochib, kelib qolgan joyidan bir bandni qayta-qayta to’rt-besh bor o’qidi, nima o’qiganini tushunmadi…

Nima xohlashini o’zi biladimi? Ehtimol ha… ehtimol yo’q…

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